weakling

I am so weak!! I can't watch horror movies because I would get nightmares at night. I can't watch scenes that includes cutting human flesh because in my imagination I can actually feel the pain. I can even look at things that are ugly because it creeps me out, I just saw a picture of a breast with holes in it because the parasite in the bra attack it and now I'm actually feeling like my skin is all crawly and creepy because of it. I don't even know if that is real, I didn't even look properly at it and I've deleted it, even that few seconds of it that image is stuck in my brain and making me feel like crying.

I'm always the weak person in the group, in group discussions I can't contribute much because I haven't got any interesting points to help with the assignments and I'm always the only one that fails in the group. I can't watch horror movies and I can't do assignments well, then what exactly am I good at?!?!

Why am I always the weak one? Can't I be the strong and smart one??

I wish

I think I am the worst person in the world. I don't know how to do my work but I refuse to ask advice from others. When it comes to passing up assignments I would always pass up a few days late. Uni life is worst then foundation. I love foundation year but now I'm seriously thinking if I really am suitable to study Mass Comm, I have officially lost interest. But there isn't another subject that I think I can study, so I'm going to have to stick with it even though I can't take it anymore.

I don't really think I have lost interest in the course I think I've just lost interest in the subjects. Just because I fail 2 subjects I've totally gave up. I think I'm going to fail 3 subjects now since I didn't do the exercise properly.

long time

I haven't been posting anything on my blog since a looooooong lonng time ago, had a problem with my baby kimi and posting. I'm just going to ignore it.

I have to say, being a degree student is fustrating, I think I am the worst student UniSA has ever had. My assignments are imcomplete and I never past them up on time. I think I have even forgotten how to past them up in AssignIT. I have to work harder, but you know me, I only say it but I don't do it. That's why I'm still writing this post when I have to past up assignments on Monday. I'm lazy, I know and I'm also dumb. I don't have the intelligence of Ruby, Shanthi, Nicholas and Co.. I only know how to piggy back on my team mates and I feel so guilty about it. Well even if I do help I would only make things worst. Just think of me as Xiang Qing in It Started With A Kiss.

Mother's day was last week, I don't celebrate Mother's day. My mum doesn't believe in it, I don't too, ever since I heard her talk about Valentines day it convinced me that those days are just commercialism. I mean if you love your mum then you should love her everyday, why does it have to be that day that you have to love her?

Well I had better pen off, my assignments are heaping up, I need to finish my National TV report then get started on my Critique's essay which is due the day after next and also start answering my journal questions. I should really start aiming to not annoy my classmates with questions on how to do my assignments, but I can't because I'm just too dumb...

I hate cheaters

Life is hard. And it isn't helping when those idiots cheat on their spouses. Everywhere I turn I see friends with parents who were being cheated. I have a friend whose father has a beautiful wife but yet he goes out and found another woman who already has 2 children of her own. He himself has 5 children and he wants to adopt more?? And than just 2 years ago I found that he had broken up with that woman but had brought back another woman who is pregnant with his child. What an idiot! Has he ever thought that this would affect his children's future and their reputations?

As I say: I HATE those selfish, bias, cheating idiots!!

What does he thinks he is doing?

I hate people that doesn't listen to the people that cares for them. Just like Mo didn't listen to Resa when she begged for him to go home to safe his and Meggie's life. But he refused to listen to her because of sheer arrogance and eagerness. So what if his heart is cold blooded now, why can't he listen to Resa and safe their lives before it is too late?!

Why can't my best friend just listen to me and spend the money that would actually help his condition when what he is doing is not helping him?? why does he have to make me worry over him? Can't he see that I have enough to worry about that I don't need to worry over his health too? I worry over what people would see of him at the first sight. I worry over his condition worsening and how it would affect his other organs. Can he at least just listen to me and stop wasting money over something that doesn't helps? He would gain so much more if he just takes my advice!

I don't want to lose a close friend like him.

signing*

I had a crush guy in my class since sem 1, but I never said anything about it. I only told a few friends who were close. Yet another girl from class guessed it out by the way I look at him that made me more cautious while I'm around him. The whole of sem 1 I just dithered over not looking at him much but still I couldn't suppress the feelings I have for him.

During semester 2, I got to know him better. But still I tried to keep my distant.

Sem 3, he came to sit beside me during lecture. I was a little dissapointed when I found out that I wasn't in the same group as he is then but having him beside me was more than enough. He doesn't really talk but I still like sitting beside him.

I know that today will be the last day I can sit beside him and the last day I will be in the same class as him. I didn't pursue him was because I can't bare to fall into depression again. I remember my time when I had to go through depression and I vowed to never ever go there ever again!!

My cousin

It was my first day in Singapore and my relatives invited us to their house for dinner. I finish the porridge without any complain because it was delicious!! My mum actually got second helpings, I think I would have if I hadn't felt so sick.

Anyway, I have a cousin brother that is actually 4 years older than me. He has got a pair of younger sisters who were twins. We both attended a photography workshop in July so he knows that I share a passion with him. I was sitting beside the window enjoying the cool air that blew in to the stuffy crowded room when he came over. He had dumped his numerous bags of equipment there. He started playing with his large camera and I watched him as he fiddled with the thing. When he had finished playing with it he surprised me by handing it wordlessly to me. I was very surprised, I took it without saying "thank you" and started playing with it, it was extremely heavy.

I gave up later when I just couldn't get it right and handed it back to him. I knew he was watching me, half worried about his camera and half fascinated at how I handle it. We never really talk that's why I was so surprised when he handed it to me. Later in the night he started taking more pictures and for the second time that night handed the camera to me wordlessly. I was surprised at this again, I complained that it was heavy and he took it back but later handed it to me again after he had removed the weights.

Wow, I beginning to feel that he really takes me as a real sister then are far and rarely talk to cousin. I liked that, I have never really been able to feel what brotherly love is so I appreciate and I am grateful that he treats me like that, but there was a problem that I feel annoyed with myself. I have always been searching for ways to feel what it is like having close siblings now that I have one that actually shares a little blood line with me I just can't bring myself to take him as my brother...

I asked me mum about it of course and I asked that is it because my cousin is not the type of person that I usually hang around with. Or is it because I have imagined my brother to be closer to me rather than just not talking to each other. I really don't know. My mum also noted that strange connection between us when we were at the wedding dinner on the 27th. He taught me how to use the camera even my own camera. Again I just feel the connection but also the disconnection I have been feeling. I know that among all the cousins I was most excited to see him but the feeling is just off...